For 11 months I've pondered the meaning of every aspect of my existence. Since Tommy left us, it has become apparent to me that something inside of me is gone as well. It's hard to define, or identify, it's like a deep void. Part of my soul is missing. It's gone with my brother, and I'm not the same man that I was. That's not to say that I'm less or more, I'm just different. Perhaps stronger in some ways, weaker in others. But one thing's for sure; nothing about life or death scares me anymore. I'm living through days that I used to have nightmares about when I was a kid. I secretly wished to pass away before any of my family, because I never wanted to imagine life without them. Now my nightmare is a reality, and I'm forced to go forward into a world that has betrayed my mind by making me believe the unbelievable...and accept the unacceptable. Some people around me have called it strength that keeps me walking forward through a pain powerful enough to paralyze, but it's not, because I feel weak most times, and helpless that I couldnt keep Tommy with us, or save him. No, it's not strength. at least not MY strength that keeps me going. It's God's will. And when it's no longer God's will that I keep going, then it will be my turn. And I will join my brother, and my Grandaddy, and my beautiful friend Janeeya and those others who may go before me.
But until then I will live, and Xavier will know his daddy loves him desperately,truly, and with a whole new sense of purpose.
