LOVE and LIFE

our son...








So much time has passed since our last posting. Almost a year. So much can change in a year. The seasons do change, only to come back around again. But not the same. Moments do pass, like all of us, in our appointed times, just as new lives are born along with the sunrise. This is LOVE and this is LIFE.

my thoughts since

For 11 months I've pondered the meaning of every aspect of my existence. Since Tommy left us, it has become apparent to me that something inside of me is gone as well. It's hard to define, or identify, it's like a deep void. Part of my soul is missing. It's gone with my brother, and I'm not the same man that I was. That's not to say that I'm less or more, I'm just different. Perhaps stronger in some ways, weaker in others. But one thing's for sure; nothing about life or death scares me anymore. I'm living through days that I used to have nightmares about when I was a kid. I secretly wished to pass away before any of my family, because I never wanted to imagine life without them. Now my nightmare is a reality, and I'm forced to go forward into a world that has betrayed my mind by making me believe the unbelievable...and accept the unacceptable. Some people around me have called it strength that keeps me walking forward through a pain powerful enough to paralyze, but it's not, because I feel weak most times, and helpless that I couldnt keep Tommy with us, or save him. No, it's not strength. at least not MY strength that keeps me going. It's God's will. And when it's no longer God's will that I keep going, then it will be my turn. And I will join my brother, and my Grandaddy, and my beautiful friend Janeeya and those others who may go before me.
But until then I will live, and Xavier will know his daddy loves him desperately,truly, and with a whole new sense of purpose.

Tribute

On october 22, 2009 at around 4a.m., my first best friend in life, my partner in just about everything I ever did growing up, my little brother, Thomas Wesley completed his life. How I am still here without him is confusing and unnatural. We shared a consciousness, almost as intense as twins. Only now have I realized that I've never imagined life without my brother. never. This is the worst hurt of my life. How could he be gone? There are no words that can describe my feeling now. Only wave after wave of anguish.
And I know he is moving on to a higher existence. I just miss him beyond belief. If I had 15 minutes to live, I'd give up 14 of them to spend one more minute with my brother. I pray to God, keep him warm, keep him close, keep him safe. Forgive his wrongs and uplift his good deeds in your judgement of him. I will forever be a witness for his good nature. Please God, of all the rewards of heaven, please let me be worthy of just one. I just want to see my brother again, smiling in the light of the one God, waiting for me with arms out stretched. Not for a second would I hesitate. we were inseparable growing up. My mother bathed us together, she dressed us alike, we stayed up so many nights after the lights were out in the room we shared, just letting our imaginations take us to far away places. The stories we told! Right there in our room in the dark. We prayed for a little sister together, and then God sent baby Tiara to join us. The three of us were wonderful products of our mother and father. An incredible mixture of personality, sincerity and honor. When we got together, the natural chemistry was something to see. We were all so proud of each other. Now something has changed forever. It will never be the same, and Xavier, you will know that you can indeed miss what you never had.
But son you must know, your uncle Tommy must never be forgotten or disrespected. He was one of the only people I know who could always make me laugh, he was fearlessly protective of his family and friends, and he loved to drive fast and far. His favorite place was disney world, because some of his best memories were made there when we were about 8 and 6 years old. He was strong willed,( stubborn), generous, and very much in touch with his inner child. I will love, miss and honor him everyday for the rest of my life. And I will be forever grateful to God for the time that we shared. Oh Tommy...I cry because I'm hurt, I cry because I'm sad, but I also cry because I'm happy God made us brothers for all time. And by God's will, I will see you again.

:)

We took X to a pumkin patch nearby, we had a great time!


My cutie pie!


Mommy and Xavier


Daddy and Xavier

Xavier's 12mth exam

Marc was off the week of this exam so he was able to be there. This picture is of me and pip squeak in the waiting room eating cheerios before the exam. My baby is growing up :( which is good but I'm going to miss him being a little baby.



Xavier is getting checked out by the nurse. Thank God he continues to be the picture of health.



I love this picture! He makes this cute face every time the pacifier goes in his mouth. His little mouth turns down, his eyebrows go up and he starts sucking his pacifier like Maggie on the Simpson's.



The green scale, I was looking forward to this part of his check-up. I was wondering at first if he'd go on a bigger scale, but no he's not that big yet! I reminisce about his first exam and his little skinny body laying on the scale. He was crying, his little body stiffened and his little fist was in his mouth. He looked too cute with his little head of hair and little everything. Him turning one this month is a big mile stone, a part of me feels a little sad. This milestone to me also marks the new beginning to toddler hood. No more tiny helpless baby, no more gummy smiles, no more of him curling up on my chest when he sleeps. The time does go by so fast, they really don't stay so small for long. Despite me holding on to those days, time marches on.



Xavier weighs 19lbs. so no front facing car seat, which I don't think he's ready for that yet. His head is in the 50th percentile his length in the 75th percentile and weight his is in the 10th. One of the many things I'm happy about is that he will drink WHOLE MILK! No more expensive formula, yay! The whole milk will also help to put some fat on those bones, haha. At the end of the visit he also got two shots for chicken pox and mmr. His next visit is when he is 15mths where he will get another 2 shots. Man will these shots ever end??? My brother Juan told me that Cira and Camryn also had shots that week, so I guess it wont end till they are out of h.s.? With summer ending and the cold season coming up, and the scare of swine flu, I'm just glad that I'm able to stay home with Xavier. Daycare is such a no-no for us, all the viruses, germs, biting, and bad behavior, it makes us feel really secure that Xavier is well taken care of at home! Even if it means that I work in the evening!

September 5th, 2008

Allah said "BE" and you came to live.
A gift only God can give.
Remember. I'll never forget
each surprise from the second you opened your eyes
and I saw your soul within.
On the other side the angels cried
and said "hold him close, for he is God's love,
for you to guide
along a right path.
From your first smile to your first laugh,
I've been totally captivated.
As your instincts are activated.
Your personality is originality and individuality.
I see it already. Your mother and I better get ready!
You will "BE" as God wills.
Above the worlds ills.
If these lines are heard,
This rhyme is not just words,
but a prayer, Bismillah ar Rahman ir Rahim
Son, you were born out of a dream.
Devine in your designing, defining moments
are so many ahead of us.
I wish you the best in all things
the tides of life may bring
my boy, you're a king in the making.

Marc H.
Happy First Birthday "Little One"! we love you.

...those summer days...

Greetings kids! I'd like to say that the reason it's been so long between posts, is because we've been on a world tour, seeing all the wonders this planet has to offer, and conquering civilizations for fame and glory, but no, nothing nearly as dramatic. We've just been living life. first off I want to say happy and safe Ramadan to everyone around the world who recognize it. Ramadan has always been significant to me, because something life changing always happens to me during these 30 days. Be it, a deeper understanding of life, or something else, my soul always grows while observing the fast. Of course it'll be hard to top last Ramadan, when Xavier was born. It's just a great time of year!
Well, we're just about a week shy of little ones very first birthday! Yeah, time goes too fast, but what a year it's been. My little wingman, is coming along just fine. Lets look at some pictures shall we?

You'll notice Sonia's little "Dooly" is holding my cell phone. Whenever he see that phone he HAS to have it. So far he's called just about everyone i know, for no other reason than to let them listen to some embarrassing conversation Sonia and I might be having before we realize he's made the call. SO if you see my number come up on your phone and noone's saying anything, chances are it's Baby-boy terrorizing you. And if it's like 2 in the morning? Sorry! Just hang up, so he can call you again at 3

It's Sonny-boys first time at the beach! This was last week in atlantic city. We wouldve played the slots, but we've already hit the jack pot with him. heehnhehnnn...anyway, this shot was taken shortly after the kid got hit by a unexpected high tide. He's dealing with the brand new taste of sand and salt in his mouth.

Xav tans almost as quickly as Sonia. Man, it's been somethin like 50 years since i've been to a beach. For some reason, I've always had a hard time keeping my balance when the tide goes out. nothing has changed.

No Xavier didn't appreciate almost getting washed out to sea, but yes he knew he was totally safe with his mommy and daddy.


If you read Sonia's facebook page, you know that a hot air balloon crash landed just a few feet from our house last week. It was very dramatic. theres the balloon on the sidewalk...the people are in the ditch just out of view from the camera. everyone was alright thank God, so I didn't feel so bad about the fact that I was holding Xavier the whole time when I went over to ask if they needed help, and he couldn't stop giggling. I love his sense of humor. It's as bad as his mom and dads!



"Daddy's home!" there's nothing better than coming through the door and hearing Sonia say that. and then here comes Xavier, crawing over to me as fast as his hands and knees can take him. Which is actually pretty fast! People ask me, how I hold down two jobs, which require me to get pratically no sleep on the weekends? Answer number two: there are people who do that and more. Answer number one: There is infinite strength in this love...period.



And here is the number one reason why, there isn't as much time for me to do as many postings as I used to. as soon as I sit down to the computer desk, there's Baby-boy coming over wanting to be picked up, or wanting to play. Look at that face. Of course I cant resist. These days only last for such a short time in life. I try to hold on with all my might to the seconds, but they get away. Xavier will be one year old next week! In one year he's completely transformed our lives. Yeah it's tough learning how to be more focused and responsible, and there are many ups and downs. But the personal reward that comes from rising to the challenges of parenthood is endless. I love it. and I love my family. I'm outta here!